Escalator

I would like to note down this event in my life. It has deeply affected me. I have had been extremely whiny about Her before and all I ever wanted to do was to run from Her. But I faced my confrontations head on. And now I'm running towards Her. 

It all happened on the 7th of March, Saturday. We went for dinner after work. It was a long day for me and an even longer week for Her. She just wanted to unwind and I just wanted to zone out. Not good. Got myself scolded. Then the topic of her therapist's interpretations came out.
"Are you sure that's all her intentions? Nothing else?" I was caught. It was about 2 weeks of lusting over her. It started during lent. What a way to spend lent. It was 2 weeks of torture. Doesnt help if she keeps flirting either. I confessed. It was all physical. My intention was to never cross that line, even from the beginning. My intention was to marry a great catholic guy, settle down and have kids. The talk about it went on and on and she being she, did.not.stop.flirting. She was grateful for all I have done for her. She liked me as a friend. And that was that. I went home and slept... unpeacefully. No thoughts crossed my head but I just couldnt sleep.

8th of March, Sunday came. My heart was pumping real fast. I felt nervous, and anxious. I didnt know why. Really. In the back of my head I thought it was all over. We discussed it last night. I was to meet Her again today. This time we were at Hong Lim Park to celebrate International Women's Day. There was an exhibition that she had helped with. We ta-baoed dinner to the park and talked and talked, under the stars, on the grass. Personally, I loved it. And that topic came out again. And I started to share some parts of my life.
And she being she, couldnt stop with the dirty convos and the flirting. But I was having fun. That night I slept like a baby.

9th of March, Monday came. My insides were tight and I couldn't breathe properly. I found myself heaving big sighs. After work, we went for SingaPlural. She was happy. She was high. She had 4 beers. She was so patient and gentle and in her art world. I went home sleeping as per normal.

10th of March, Tuesday. I woke up feeling just as congested as ytd. I finished my shift and stayed back. I went out take a breather. I sat by drain beside the chocolate studio. "Father, for whatever that im feeling right now, take it away from me" and I cried. It felt good. I knew then I have fallen for her. But I also knew it was mostly physical. I didnt want to hurt anybody or use them. It was all too overwhelming. I was so stressed. Everything my Father has taught me has been side lined and been taken  over by lust and utter infactuation. She came out and found me. She tried to help but I just couldn't tell her.

We went for dinner and she was absolutely persistent. I caved and told her. We went for our after-dinner long talks. We played Truth or Dare without the dare, much to my dismay. Cos I wasnt exactly ready to open up this quickly. She took this chance to ask me all the taboo questions about sex. 'Screw this shit'. I thought. I dont wanna hide from it any more. I cant keep it a secret. She now knows so much more than my friends put together, cos they know nothing about this. It did feel violating. It felt like she broke me, bt yet I felt freed from my secrets. Obviously, so much more was discussed and talked about. Then she asked "Where should we go from here". And we finally decided to draw the line.

...... but actually no? She wanted to have me to favours for her. I mean really?? After all we have talked about?? I could see her regret the decision. Her turn to break. I gave in and bought cigarettes for her. I went home pissed, frustrated and hurt. But I managed to sleep it off anyways.

11th March, Wednesday.  I woke up to 4 msgs from her. Each spaced at about an hour from each other.  She didnt sleep. Her last msg was at 4am+. She regretted the line. She couldnt stick to it. She admitted her lack of sleep the past week was because of this. She too was scared. She was afraid she broke me and I couldnt handle it.

I went delirious. My heart ached and I cried. I had to triple check my feelings. Why was I feeling this way? It took me 5 hours to compose my reply. My body shook at the beginning of the drafts.

It took her about over an hour to reply. It was extremely long. It also brought more tears to my eyes. Tears of relief. She finally understood it. She understood me. She read through me, right through my walls. And it didnt help when she's started being such a poetic sweet talker.

4 days for me, 2 weeks for Her.

I really dont know where we'll be going from here but it'll be good places. A place where God is with us. Finally.

*Note to self, every single detail of the convos are in the whatsapp.