One Year

Hello world wide web. Hello digital diary.

It's been a while. A veeerrryy long while.
Today was lazy day. I couldnt bring myself to do much. I only prepared some materials for Agape, and i continued to schlump around. Eating and schlumping. The entire day. A flippin schlob i was today.

Today my thoughts CONSUMED me.

It's been about a month since we last broke up. It was a VERY iffy month. Sometimes i couldnt tell if we really did break up. Her actions, my actions. They seem to have lingering feeligs for each other. Super tough month if i say so myself. I couldnt exactly cut her off completely and totally detox her from my life cos there was work. So at least 4 - 5 days a week, i see her.

Today, the day consumed me. I have had a whole day to myself before without her (during the month). But not like today. Today, becos i was a lazy schlob, i had to face all my thoughts. I had time to realign my thoughts, face my discomforts, face the little bugger of the demon in me (my impulsiveness and desires. My desires! Oh god, my desires! I was so CONSUMED), think about the devilish little bugger, entertain it, go CRAZY over it and face it, think about how much i miss her, think about and remind myself why i broke up in the first place, think about what the heck is right and wrong. I spent hours on Facebook and Pinterest. So did she. She was tryig to converse with someone indirectly thru these social media platforms. She was releasing something in her. So much doubt. So much defense. So MUCH of it. A little defense is fine and understandable. So much of it, i got SICK of it.

Today i didnt really do much, but i managed to use today to slowly cut her off. I blocked her. At least i dont see her postings on FB anymore. I didnt want to see what she cared about, lest i get sucked in and get affected unnecessarily. She can see my postings and continue rant on her page for all i care. I blocked and unfollowed her on Pinterest.

Im writing this out cos im afraid i forget. And i also would like to take this event of blocking and unfollowing into heart and memory. Her impact on my life has been pretty big. Such actions are my little ways of having to remove her so that impact is less. And im more like me. Less like her.

I rant. It's been a year. I would very much like to hear myself without anybody else's influence. Hard. Trying. Cheer me on? :)

Here's a note to yourself, lest you forget:
(You read your past enteries. You've basically forgotten about what you promised God. Or perhaps you didnt but it didnt stick to you as well as you hoped you would... cos of circumstances. This note is for you to cheer you on your road to recovery. Jia you!)
I really need to remove her from my life. Well for now.
It was a whole year of fears and distrust and anger and impatience and everything what love ISNT. Youve lost your way and yourself.
She has NOT fully healed from her past self. Is she healing and better? Yes. But not fully.
She hasnt been through what youve been through and would not understand why you think this way. She has a LOT to learn and find out about being a Catholic. 
She hasnt healed fully from her past self.
Listen to yourself. EVERYTHING to your mind is telling you. All the good, the bad and the ugly. Get your thoughts organised. Dont be afraid anymore. She's not around anymore. You can think for yourself now.
Please call up your friends and meet up and spend some time with them. Talk to them. Laugh with them. Do things with them. Pray with them.
Today you found yourself slowly balancing yourself and your thoughts. Good job! Now, just know that God will there to guide you back to Him. You are on the right path. Dont be afraid!
DO NOT CARE WHAT SHE THINKS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP W GOD.
Pray hard for the wisdom to know when God is speaking to you. Youve heard him before. You were on the right path before her. DO NOT COMPROMISE FOR HER.
Pray for the wisdom to know what to do when uncomfortable and confrontational situations arise. Know what to say when she is insecure (dont let her insercurity affect you!).

Detox her from you so can finally find that voice once again. Find yourself without her influence.

Know. Who. You. Are.